David's rules of Writing

I have devised a set of rules that I abide by in every book that I write, not  necessarily in ever story, because some short stories don't need necessarily so much gore and madness as I can come up with on any given day and with that much psychosis people would more than likely think there is something seriously wrong with me other than being mildly entertaining.  But unless you follow these rules when writing it tuns out to be no good, and no fun.

 While these are just some of the rules I have put together, they are by no means the lot, I'm just pretty drunk, and since the control of my civilised sentience goes bye bye when I'm drunk, which I find oddly liberating, and also when I write at my best, since I have no inhibitions and I'm frankly a little crazier than normal when on the libations of the fermented apple (Cider for those not in the know) this may be one of the few times that I feel that I'm not completely nuts (which I do feel pretty often, I know why but I don't think anyone else would get it). Due to the lack of filter I presently feel able to launch this into the blogosphere, though if this was everyone of my rules to writing I would be giving away the secrets that makes me  have a raw edge to my talent (I could tell you I knew that before but I'd be lying). that would be a direct quote from Sammy HK Smith, my friend, who is awesome, if you get a chance to read any of her work take it and read it, her writing is awesome, and I don't say that very often. Kristell ink is her imprint and this is their website http://www.kristell-ink.com/.

The Golden rule being that in every single book at least 1 principle character should either be severally injured, disfigured in some way, almost die in some horrific accident, actually killed (but some how returns to the land of the living) or actually completely snuffs it altogether, and if you are feeling particularly malicious at any point do it to more than one of them

Rule 2 is if you start getting bored, go work on something else, if you get bored the writing is going to be boring and when you get pissed off with it you are never going to go back to it

Rule three, when you write on an empty stomach don't stop until you almost crash from starvation, the writing is so much nastier

Rule four Writing until you are so exhausted you fall asleep at the computer is absolutely viable writing style, except you have to remember all the shit that was typed when you fell asleep.

Rule 5 Having a character speak like Yoda may be funny but its been done and over done, so don't eeeeevvvveeerrrrrrr do it, unless you're writing Star Wars stories, then it's acceptable, but only when it's Yoda 

Rule 6 Unless you are writing porno stories it's not necessary to have more than two rounds of the horizontal mamba in your book, then it gets tacky or turns into porn, in addition it is entirely viable that the first time two people screw that it is short, hard and nasty, or entirely awkward, cause that's how it always goes, it's never wonderful and life affirming. 

Rule Number 7 Getting drunk so you can write is totally acceptable, in my case especially it normally makes the writing better, but not too drunk, cause then you tend to puke over the paper, which is no good. Think Hemingway and Joyce, they may have been drunks but they wrote classics for a reason.

As an ancillary rule

Under no circumstances what so ever should you have a vampire that glows in the light, screws an under-age girl or mopes like a fuckin emo, Vampires are not like Edward Cullen, nor are they like anyone remotely like Edward Cullen, for Vampire, See Dracula alla Blade Trinity, he's a fuckin bad ass, sword slinging bad ass, totally bad ass. Also an addendum to that rule, if a Vampire's going to screw anyone in a novel, movie or tv show, she should look like Anna Paquin, no vampire should have no reall teeth, no venom, no animus. I get the symbolism with true Blood and I not only understand it and respect it, I damn well applaud it, few TV series, books, Movies have the balls to do it but Vampires should be Hunters, Killers and Warriors, not whiny little bitches or slaves to the blood of a certain species.

My own Vampires, few and far between, hard ass mother fuckers, almost impossible to kill, without being a harder mother fucker than they are which is the way it should be. Vlad the Impaler wasn't the inspiration for Dracula for fuck all, he was a fuckin hard case and thus so should all vampires.